3 Steps to Building Self-Compassion
Notice, Get Curious and Be Friendly
These days, we hear a lot about the importance of self-compassion, but truly, self-compassion is a tall order! There are so many internal and external messages of “not-enoughness” that it can be really hard to feel like we’re on our own side.
And being told to up your self-compassion can just send another message of not-enough. This time, one that says we’re also not self-compassionate enough! And the cycle continues to reinforce itself. So how do we reverse the cycle? (FYI, if you're not in the mood to read, I've got a video below that summarizes and includes a guided reflection.)
Here’s a 3-step process that can help:
Step one: Notice the tone of the background track
In any moment of the day, there are usually a number of things happening:
There is the present moment physical action - the thing that you are actually doing with your body (typing at your computer or having a conversation with a friend).
There are the things you are thinking about to make that action happen (what funny anecdote to add to the email, or what you could say to your friend that would be helpful).
And there is the experience and feeling tone - the sensations, thoughts and emotions that arise from the doing and the thinking (the emotion you are feeling as you write the email, the old story you’re remembering that the conversation is bringing up).
But there is also a sneakier, generally less-conscious thing happening.
Whether you're trying to focus on sending an email, or staying present for the conversation, there is almost always something else happening, and that's the background track. It says things like, "wow, this task is challenging" or "why can’t you just stay focused on the task at hand without getting stuck in your own stuff". Can you guess which one of these thoughts is helpful???
Step one, is simply to notice the tone of the background track. Is it kind or judgmental?
Step two: Replace judgement with curiosity
If the tone is kind, great! You’re already bringing in a level of friendliness that will actually help you stay focused, grounded and present.
But if the tone is judgmental, it’s time for an inner pause. And no, I’m not going to tell you to just turn it around and bring in self-compassion. That’s really difficult - especially if your general inner tone is mostly unkind.
Instead, try bringing in curiosity. Consider why you are feeling unfocused or not present? Maybe you’ve had a hard day, maybe there’s a lot on your plate, maybe you’re late and while you’d love to continue the conversation and you’re trying to “be there” for your friend, it's really hard because you don’t actually have time AND what they’re sharing is bring up a painful memory.
There are a million reasons why you’re not being as present or focused as you’d like to be. And getting curious about these reasons is in fact an act of self-compassion because it brings in understanding and empathy. Curiosity gives you a minute to up your self-awareness so you can slow things down and not dive head first into self-judgement.
Step three: Ask yourself what you would say to a friend - start with self-friendliness
You don’t have to gush over yourself or be filled with self-love and compassion (although that would be awesome and I highly encourage it if it’s available to you). You just have to try to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend!
A friend would say something like, whew - you’ve had an intense day and you have a lot on your plate - what do you need? Is there anything I can do to support you?
So try asking yourself the same question - something like, what do you need right now?
You might notice that you just need a little reassurance. Or a quick walk or a snack. There are loads of things you might ask yourself for. You don’t have to come up with anything huge, you just have to ask yourself if there’s anything you could offer yourself, no matter how small.
And that can make all the difference.
You are simply shifting the way you talk to yourself and, and each time you do, that background track gets kinder, more friendly and yes, may even feel layered in self-compassion!
Last week I said that nervous system regulation is the foundation, not the destination (if you missed it - check it out here). We start by getting grounded and from that place, practicing self-friendliness is more accessible. So if you read these three steps towards self-compassion, and they feel out of reach, go back to the foundation. Try a couple of practices that bring in a sense of calm and safety and then come back to the background track.
Throughout the summer, I’ll be sending weekly thoughts, tools and videos that explore my 5 pillar yoga therapy framework; nervous system regulation, self compassion, deep listening, somatic parts work, and deep imagery.
Together these pillars form a sort of recipe for a life full of curiosity, engagement and deep presence. Sometimes, we need a little support, reflecting on and shifting these things. Yoga therapy is a great place to begin. If I can support you, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Below is a video that summarizes and then offers a reflective practice on self-compassion as well as ways we can work together.
Ways to work with me...
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Thanks for reading and watching and all of the things! I hope our paths cross soon.
As always, I'd love to hear from you. If you'd like to share how things are going, I'd love to know!
Sending so much love,
Rachel