What's Better Than New Year’s Resolutions?
What's Better Than New Year’s Resolutions?
I love to reflect - to look back on where I’ve been and ask myself where I want to go. And the new year or even the new decade is one of those natural transitions when many of us pause and set goals and intentions.
There’s something about a new calendar year that makes us want to be more, do more, make changes, grow, get healthier, advance in our careers, travel more, spend more time with people we love, take more hikes, get better at self-care, improve our relationships, go to the gym, organize our house, etc, etc.
Are you dizzy yet?
Do you see how new year’s resolutions can go terribly wrong? There’s just no way we can do “all the things” at once. The list causes even more stress and in this long list of things, there is an implicit belief that right now, you’re not good enough. And when we turn on our “you’re not enough” voice, we generally give up on the list and are left feeling bad about our lack of follow-through. We feel disappointed in ourselves and wonder why we can’t make the changes we want to.
So this year, instead of making your list, consider choosing a quality. You might even wrap that quality around a statement. Something like:
I want to feel more grounded and calm.
I want to be kinder to myself.
I want the voice inside my head to lift me up rather than beat me up.
I want to feel grateful for the life I have everyday.
I want to feel more present and embrace more moments in my day.
When we focus on a quality, we have something tangible to work with. We can look at what beliefs we have about ourselves that stop us from embodying that quality. And we can purposely do things that help us grow that quality internally. As we do this, some of those original resolutions will occur naturally and many of them will just fade away.
I’ll give you an example. This year, my quality/statement is:
I want to feel confident even in awkward and challenging situations.
Those of you who know me well, probably see me as a confident person. And it’s true, I generally feel grounded and capable of turning my dreams into realities. I have always felt like the driver in my life. But in July 2018, I moved to Spain and I stopped driving - literally (small town, no need for a car, public transportation, etc) and if I’m honest, sometimes figuratively as well. Being the non-Spanish speaker in my household, I’ve had to give up a lot of control because I lack the ability to communicate in certain situations, and sometimes, because it’s just easier to let someone else do it for me (think kid’s teachers, doctors appointments, a leaky roof, etc). And I didn’t consciously become less confident. But what we do and think throughout the day creates patterns or “neuropathways” in our brain that hold beliefs like, “don’t bother with that one, it’s too hard” or “just ask your daughter or husband to do it - it will be faster that way”. And pretty soon, there’s a pattern in there that implies that I can’t do it. And those patterns are sneaky! They are limiting beliefs built into our brain that say, you can’t or you’re not enough. And when we’re stressed, they scream instead of whisper.
When we’re stressed, our vision narrows and we can’t find our way to statements like: I am capable. I am powerful. I am doing a great job.
What we know about the brain is that we grow what we focus on. So just imagining yourself embodying your quality is a wonderful way to grow it! Can you pause for 3 minutes and reflect with me?
Take a moment here to ask yourself, "How do I want to feel this year?" Really, it will just take a moment.
How do you actually want to feel?
Okay, now one more moment:
Once you've named your quality, imagine how it feels.
Try to embody it, even if just for a second.
Is there a place in your body where you feel your quality more strongly?
Is there a place in your body where it feels sourced?
Imagine that each inhale you take, you are filling yourself up with that quality, expanding it from that place where it’s sourced, outward.
Now imagine that with each exhale, tension drips out of your body, making more space for your quality.
Now how do you feel?
Like all shifts, there is practice involved but anything worthwhile is worth practicing. So I have a wish for you in 2020. My hope for you this year is that you practice feeling exactly the way you want to feel until that quality becomes more accessible to you. That doesn’t mean you’ll always be in a good mood or that you won’t feel grief or sadness or fear. I actually want you to feel ALL of your life. But to do so with that embodied quality of calm or compassion or confidence - that’s something magical.
As always, I’m here to offer support with that. Registration for Your Brain on Mindfulness opens Monday, Jan 6. This 8-week online course begins Jan 20. It’s all about de-stressing and accessing stores of self-confidence and self-compassion so you can stay calm, grounded and more joyful.
Click here to receive more info.
Wishing you a wonderful year and hoping that our paths cross soon. As always, I love hearing from you so please let me know how you’re doing!
Much love,
Rachel